I had been living and working in London for about 3 years before I had my first anxiety attack. It happened at work. I was standing in the middle of the office talking to a work colleague and suddenly the panic hit me. It was like I had been struck by an invisible force. I felt so weak and had to sit on the floor. I also had this incredible urge to run away but I couldn’t. My head was spinning, my heart was beating 100 miles an hour, I couldn’t catch my breath and then I started to hyperventilate. I was terrified. I thought I was going to die. My work colleagues phoned an ambulance and I ended up in hospital hooked up to a heart monitor, only to be told that there was nothing wrong with me. The doctor at the hospital told me that he thought that I had had a panic attack.
In the weeks after my first panic attack the anxiety became overwhelming. I was terrified of having another panic attack. They were happening everyday, sometimes as soon as I arrived at work. Then I started to panic as soon as I woke up in the morning. In the end I had to take some time off work but I never returned. My world became smaller and smaller. I started to avoid supermarkets, then shops, then public transport, and then anywhere there were crowds. It was pretty impossible to avoid crowds in London so, basically, I was unable to go anywhere. I had become agoraphobic. I couldn’t eat because my stomach was in knots. I couldn’t sleep because of the adrenalin pumping out of control throughout my body. I was terrified of having panic attacks in public. I was embarrassed and ashamed. My self-esteem had hit rock bottom and I became very depressed. At the time I was having several panic attacks a day. I didn’t know what to do. My doctor was no help and didn’t really understand. He prescribed antidepressants for the depression as there was really no medication that could take the anxiety away.
I then started to do my own research about anxiety attacks and agoraphobia on the internet. I brought some self help books and started learning about cognitive behavior therapy and the success that this type of therapy had in treating anxiety disorders. I tried to seek this type of treatment but was told that every waiting list was full due to the sheer volume of people suffering from Anxiety Disorders.
After months of being trapped in my tiny two bedroom flat I decided to try to treat myself. I began to challenge myself to gradually venture into the outside world by setting small goals. For example, I began walking to the first lamp post down my street, then every day increased my walking distance. With my mobile phone in hand I made this my daily goal. At first the anxiety increased, but with persistence it slowly died down. Eventually I was able to walk around the block, which was a big step for me. I was very lucky to have a supportive and understanding husband. He was there for me through every difficult step and was always there to celebrate my achievements and to give me a shoulder to cry on.
At the time I felt a desperate need to get back home to Adelaide to the safety of family and friends. I thought that it would all go away once I came home. So with sheer determination and terrifying fear my husband and I flew back home to Australia.
A few months after arriving in Australia the anxiety came back. I contacted the Panic Anxiety Disorder Association, who without their encouragement and support I wouldn’t be where I am today. I saw a psychologist who specialized in CBT and began the long road to recovery.
I am now working part time and studying part time. I also volunteer one day a week at the Panic Anxiety Disorders Association to share my experiences and support others. I slowly came off the antidepressants six months ago and am now leading a very busy life.
By Lina
Re-printed with permission from Panic Anxiety Disorder Association Inc. (South Australia).
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