As an Anxiety sufferer I know that I tend to have a slightly different outlook on life than a lot of people who do not know what it is like to be plagued by excessive worry and self doubt.
I find it very easy to remember unpleasant memories and let the good ones slide to the back of my brain storage cabinet (the one that I have misplaced the key to). Sometimes it seems like such an effort to remember that life can be good, it’s just my anxiety being a pain in the ass and discolouring all of my happy thoughts.
I want to tell you a bit about myself and how I got to the place I am today.
Learning to love myself and gaining my own sense of self worth is one of the hardest things to do, (and to be honest with you I don't know if I'm really there yet) because it includes loving the anxiety, and the lessons you have learnt from having anxiety.
In reality, anxiety is an important part of our lives. It is essential that it occurs in times of danger. Anxiety is also quite normal when we are concerned about something or someone we love. It is there for a good reason and it just happens to be working overtime in people with an anxiety disorder.
My realisation that I had anxiety and depression began about 3 years ago. Looking back I think it had been gradually building up since childhood. I was living in Brisbane with my partner and had a full time job in Administration which I didn't enjoy.
I eventually got to the point where I knew something was very wrong when my daily pattern of staying awake at night worrying about what the next day at work would bring, dry retching in the toilet for 15 minutes before I had to catch the train, and being unable to eat until lunchtime seemed like it was controlling my life. Once I got to work I would pretend that every thing was fine. I would be given projects to work on and although I would do a good job, I would agonize over the finished project being good enough and constantly think “oh no, what will they think of me.....”
Walking to work one day I had a terrifying panic attack.
I think it was my body's way of saying WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME??????
And being the stubborn person that I can be (funnily enough it’s usually about my health or admitting I'm wrong), it wasn't until I was diagnosed with Generalised Panic Disorder that it finally hit me that something was wrong, very wrong. With this came the emotion of shame, but a private sense of relief...that my deep down private suspicions were true.
There was a reason that often I had trouble switching off my racing thoughts! And not everyone would rehearse in their head what they had said or done for the day and analyze it for potential offences that people might take from what I said, or what they could possibly be saying about me now!!
Growing up I was frequently told that I was too sensitive, too nice, worried too much. I think I was also a kind listener to friends and family, but found it extremely hard to really open up about how bad I felt. Although I had and still have lots of friends, I hid a lot from them, and most of them still don't know that I have anxiety and have suffered from depression that left me housebound and suicidal.... but that’s something else I'm working on. It has made it easier for me to hide because a lot of my friends are overseas or living in New Zealand.
I'm tired of pretending that I don't have a Mental Illness, and even typing it out now is a huge step for me. I'm tired of being ashamed, because society in general is fed incorrect images from the Media about people suffering from Mental Illness. We need to get it out there in the public eye that its ok to have Anxiety or any other kind of mental illness, and that us sufferers need as much kindness and understanding as someone may get if they have a “socially acceptable” disease. Why is it ok that if you have Diabetes or Cancer you are supported and helped and yet if you have Anxiety or Depression you can often go to the doctor and be prescribed antidepressants and be sent on your way. If one in four people (it is estimated) suffer or will suffer some kind of mental illness then we all need to be educated about mental health because it is very likely that we or someone we know are going to need support and understanding at some stage in our lives.
If you think I sound angry in writing this, well I am. I have been told to try yoga and sent on my way, prescribed increased and decreased dosages of antidepressants, sent to psychiatrists that seemed so desensitized by years in their profession that I was just another case to them, not a real person.
However I am where I am today thanks to the loving support of my partner and doctors that took the time to really listen and psychologists that also taught me how to relax. But really the most important thing I did was educate myself about anxiety and take time out to attend some wonderful courses that put me in contact with other suffers and made me realize that I'm not alone.
I had to realise that to begin my recovery I had to really want to get better and ultimately only I had the power to control my thoughts and actions. I had to make peace with my anxiety and know that it doesn't make me any less of a person. In fact I think it has made me a better person.
I think reaching out to someone that is experiencing mental illness is one of the best things you can do.
Through my time here at ADAVIC I intend to do exactly that.
My own pain and experiences are what make me who I am today, and for me to bring some positive meaning to them, I need to share them. Even if my story helps just one person, it will be worth it.
By Jess
In 2006 Jess volunteered at ADAVIC – she started as an office volunteer and then also facilitated a Northern Suburbs Anxiety Group.
No comments:
Post a Comment