My Journey Through Agoraphobia

Hi everyone,
It has been a while since I have written, and I apologise.
Overall my progress is coming along, still slow and steady for me.

I have had some changes in my life which I have found difficult to deal with, so the fact that I am still making progress, however slow it may be, is good!

A few months ago my long term partner and I separated.
We have been together for twenty years so this has been very, very hard for me. We have remained friends and that is something I am happy about. He just felt he needed time and space away from the relationship. Like most couples we had our ups and downs but my problems with agoraphobia, anxiety and depression took a big toll on him. He was very supportive but there is no doubt that living day and day out with an agoraphobic person can be difficult for partners.
I live on my own now and that has also been challenging for me.

Apart from the more personal aspects, it also has been hard for my progress with my agoraphobia. I was at the stage where I was trying new things and venturing further and I could do this as long as he accompanied me. I felt safe with him knowing he understood about my anxiety and knowing that if it became too much for me he would gently coax me along, or would take me home if need be. With that confidence I was doing more and more new things which I was totally enjoying.

The freedom of being able to go out! It felt so liberating to be finally able to go out. I felt like I was part of the world again, instead of being trapped inside by my fear. This may sound like I was just doing it easily. I wasn’t. I would often be anxious, sometimes very anxious but I was able to now cope better with this anxiousness and not let it overwhelm me.

Then when my partner left I had less opportunities to try to get out more. I am doing things on my own more and more but I am not at the stage yet where I can do a lot on my own. I can walk short distances on my own and I have started to drive again but I can only go around quiet streets near my home.

Another big change for me was one of my closest friends whom I have known since we were kids, and who has also been a great support to me, moved interstate.

Again, apart from purely missing her and her loving friendship, she was also a practical help to me as she would take me to my therapist every week. She would also take me out when she could. Thankfully her sister has been able to take me to my therapist for my sessions. She usually can’t take me every week but I am grateful that she can take me at all. My therapist and I do phone sessions when I can’t get there in person.

I must admit I have felt frustrated that just as I am ready to explore the world the two people I have relied on to do that with are not available!

I do have other friends but they generally live too far away to be able to help. It is times like these when I really miss having family for help and support. I am an only child and have no family. Still I know having a family is no guarantee of help and support!

However, I have kept on with my own work that I can do, which is trying to work further everyday and trying to drive again.
Getting in a car again has been very scary for me but I have taken it very slowly. At first I was only able to drive a few houses down and then turn around but I have gradually widened that to be able to drive a few streets away. I am lucky that the streets where I live are very quiet with hardly any traffic. My car is an old bomb that is falling apart and I had the experience of it breaking down when I was going on one of my drives. That was extremely challenging for me!
It actually happened twice. The first time the car just stopped in the middle of the road and thankfully a nice passerby helped me to get the car off the road. I was one street away from my house
He could tell I was shaken up so he offered to drive me home. I was so relieved that he was so kind.

The next time I had a bit of warning and I pulled over to the side of the road before the car stopped dead. This time there was no kind passerby so I had to walk home on my own. It was a little bit further than I was used to walking and I become quite anxious. I wanted to just run so I could get home quickly and not panic but I knew that running was not the answer!
With legs shaking I just started walking slowly but steadily trying to loosen my tight grip on myself and my muscles and let go of the tension. That helped enormously and I made it home.

I have kept up my meditation and truly believe that has been a huge factor in my progress in dealing with anxiety and panic.

I have had days and nights when I have felt so alone that I didn’t know how I would make it through. I have also had days when I have realized that being on my own is helping me know my self more, the good the bad and the painful.

I have had a lot of childhood issues that I have been working through with my therapist and this time alone has allowed me to really feel the pain of my past and my present.

More than my progress with going out, I think what I am most proud of is that I have let myself feel my pain, let my tears flow freely, and let the loneliness envelop me without being quite so afraid of all of it.
It hurt like nothing else to face my deepest pains. I had stuffed all the pain down, deep down inside and tried to ignore it. I used to be afraid that if I let myself feel all of that it would overwhelm me and I would have the ‘big’ panic attack that I had always dreaded. In fact it is the opposite, by letting all that out and feeling it all, the anxiety lessens.

I am still a work in progress in this regard but there is progress.

Sometimes it is easier to see how far I still have to go rather than how far I have come. But when I think back to the person I used to be…… so very frightened and existing with a level of anxiety most of the time… I see how far I have come.

By Janesse – September 2011

DOS AND DON'TS FOR AGORAPHOBICS

DO’S

Do think positively- make “I can” and “I will” your motto.

Do remember to breathe properly, as failure to do so can lead to dizziness and breathlessness.

Do remember to listen to what you are saying to yourself, as talking to yourself the wrong way will give rise to fear and subsequently, panic.

Do remember to not add fear of feelings.

Do try and think more of your achievements, and less of your failures.

Most important of all, do remember that panic attacks will not harm you, and they always pass over.

DON’TS

Don’t allow the memory of your first panic attack to haunt you. Remember that at the time you suffered your first panic attack, your anxiety level and, in all probability, your physical health, combined to make you vulnerable to panic.

Don’t forget the time when going out on your own was a normal routine and not a major operation like it is now. Remember that you are still the same person; the only change that has taken place has been in the way you are thinking.

Don’t adopt an avoidance technique. Remember that the only way to overcome any phobia is to face up to the situation, or thing, that is causing your fear.

Don’t forget to give yourself credit for achievements, as most sufferers are more inclined to dwell on failures, to the exclusion of successes.

Don’t rush into situations. Pace yourself properly, as rushing can cause physical symptoms like palpitations and breathlessness and a sufferer can add fear to them and create panic.

Don’t be too disappointed if you don’t succeed all the time. Give yourself credit for trying, and remember the old saying: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again”.

ABOVE ALL- DON’T FORGET THAT YOU CAN RECOVER FROM AGORAPHOBIA.

MY JOURNEY THROUGH AGORAPHOBIA by Janesse – March 2010

Part Six

Hi everyone,

I hope this year brings everyone peace and joy.

On this journey of mine I am continuing to make progress.
I have had some great successes and also some great disappointments when I haven’t been able to do something that I wanted to do.

It continues to be one step forward, two steps back.
OK, sometimes it feels like twenty steps back!
On my good days I try to believe though that sometimes we can learn more from our failures than our successes.

One of the successes I have had involves Christmas. Because of my agoraphobia I have spent many Christmas’s home all on my own, listening to the sounds of families all around me celebrating and feeling sad. This year for the first time in many years I was able to go with my partner to his family for the Christmas celebration. I was extremely anxious about going and worried how I would get through it. My partner reassured me that if I started to get really anxious that he would take me home. That helped me feel a bit better but I of course did not want to take that option unless I really had to.

I also told myself I could excuse myself and go lie down on one of the children’s beds for a while if things became too much. I also knew I could ring my good friend who also suffers from an anxiety disorder and she would talk to me. As it turned out I didn’t need to do any of those things on the day. Even though I had quite a few anxious moments I was able to handle it without them escalating.

In the car driving there (another big deal for me as it is about a twenty minute drive), I had a few thoughts of asking my partner to turn back and take me home as I did start to feel anxious.
But I really did want to go, I did not want to be at home alone, I wanted to see my partner’s family, some of whom I had not seen for a long time. I should mention here that only a few people in his family know about my agoraphobia. Actually, I suspect that they mostly all know but I have not told them myself and I have never discussed it with any of them. I know that in some ways if they knew it may make things easier in some respects for me, but I confess I am embarrassed about my agoraphobia, too embarrassed to tell them and not ready to talk to them about it yet. The relationship between my partner and I and his family is complicated (aren’t they all!!) and I am uncomfortable talking to them about it yet.

Anyhow, we got there and I was very nervous! I started chatting and helping with things as more people arrived, and I got nicely caught up talking to people which helped make me feel a bit more at ease. When we all sat down to eat, I started feeling a little bit trapped at the table and worried about panicking. I tried to just let go of my tight muscles and let them flop a little to help relax me, which helped. I concentrated on how nice it was for me to be here finally having a Christmas which was not spent on my own. It felt so good to be out and having a meal with people!!!

I have had to make so many excuses over the years for why I couldn’t attend my partners family functions, and I had missed so many that it brought tears to my eyes to think I was actually here doing it.

I then got really sad thinking of all the times I had missed, all those hours spent alone, because of my agoraphobia. I have missed so much. Not just at Christmas but all the many occasions that I couldn’t go out to because of my fear and panic. I have been stuck inside scared while my life is passing by quicker and quicker. Even typing this now makes me want to cry for all the wasted, wasted days.

Agoraphobia is a dreadful disorder. It makes you feel so isolated and alone, and then makes you ashamed and down on yourself because you can’t seem to conquer your fear. Then you get lost in despair, as I have been many times.

I did get through Christmas Day, actually more than get through it, I enjoyed myself. I confess I had a couple of glasses of wine which enhanced my enjoyment!
Those days, as well as my other successes in going out, have been a long time coming and I have felt hopeless many times. I was pondering on what I could tell those of you with agoraphobia to help you if you had an outing or a place you wanted to go. I was trying to think about what strategies had helped me and what I could pass on.
The thing is, I realized that my agoraphobia has, as the title above me says, been a journey. I know I must sound like a broken record, but I truly believe I wouldn’t be able to do the things I am now able to do without two things:

Psychotherapy and Pauline McKinnon’s stillness meditation.

Neither of these things works overnight, but they do work. I have had times where I did not believe they were working or would work, and wanted to give up, but I kept going and I am so glad I did.
Both therapy and stillness meditation have both a flow on and cumulative effect. They really pay off in the end.

People often say you have to have the courage to face your fears.
I hate that saying as I am sure most agoraphobics do. It is not about courage, it is abut learning how to be again without fear.
Somewhere and somehow we learned how to be fearful and to respond with fear. But it is exactly that, a learnt response and you CAN unlearn it. Through stillness meditation you once again learn to get back to a more relaxed natural state of being.

One of the key things that meditation has given me, and that I use everyday is this: to notice where you are tense and let go of the gripping of the muscles. Try to notice this even when you are watching television or at any time and to just let go a little. You will be surprised at how tense you may be without even realizing it. If you make a habit of noticing this and letting the tension go, your body will gradually start to become more relaxed in general. This, along with daily meditation does really help when you become anxious or tense.

In the beginning of my agoraphobia, before I started to meditate, I somehow thought that if I were to let go of my tenseness the anxiety would get worse. That if I relaxed the anxiety, panic would overwhelm me. That I had to be in control…preparing myself ready to fight it. In fact the opposite is true, if you let go of the tenseness the anxiety is lessened.

I used to hear people say all of that but I did not believe them. Meditation has been a gentle way of showing me that it is in fact true. There is no need to tense up and try to fight.
Another ironic thing though is if you try to relax too hard, you will work against yourself.

I am sorry if all that does not make sense! The concept is a bit hard to explain, but if you begin meditating and if you read Pauline McKinnon’s book ‘In Stillness Conquer Fear’ you will understand better.
Pauline’s book had the best explanations of the processes of agoraphobia that I have ever read. Of course it does take time and practice but I use it all the time.

I have also said this before, but I really want those of you to know that if I who was so deep in agoraphobia and despair, can slowly work my way through it, you can too. I am not there yet, but I am getting there one success and one disappointment at a time.

Take care,
Janesse (ADAVIC Member from Sydney) - March 2010

From agoraphobia to India – 30-something years down the track …

Did I ever imagine – when anxiety was a constant presence in my life that one day travel would become desirable, exciting and definitely something to enjoy? In those oppressive anxious years, getting to the letter-box, and then the local shop and then the kids’ primary school were the progressive steps I was able to take without extreme discomfort. Even with my sense of security enhanced by the presence of my supportive husband, those travelling tasks – and a whole lot of other ‘normal’ comings and goings too, were virtually impossible. I remember only too well my struggle to visit a shopping complex in my own city – and how detached I felt from everything around me. With a sense of unreality, intense discomfort and recurring anxiety symptoms, how can one enjoy the moment in any environment? So at that time, the mere thought of a visit to the jewel of India would not have entered my emotional horizons.

This year, 2008, I am celebrating the 25th anniversary of the first edition of my recovery story, In Stillness Conquer Fear and an incidental part of that celebration involved a memorable trip to a number of exotic places one of the highlights of which was just that – an experience of the Taj Mahal.

Over the past 25 years I have travelled quite extensively to many places, and to some parts of the world that are unusual, remote and difficult to reach. But I have never done so without the profound awareness of my earlier life limitations because of anxiety. And sometimes, in reflective moments away from home, I find myself in awe of my surroundings, not merely because of the foreign nature of those surroundings but because of the simple pleasure of feeling at ease and fully engaged in the experience.

India was a good example of this. This land of meditation and magic is not necessarily a tranquil place. Delhi alone has a population of more than 17 million people and these numbers were evident as we travelled in a less than comfortable bus to the city of Agra, where the monument stands. This journey of 200 km took 5 hours to complete! Far from being a freeway such as we know here, this was a pot-holed road filled with congested traffic of all kinds, each negotiating the other. Some vehicles were four wheeled but many were four legged or two legged including donkeys, camels, elephants or children crossing at any random place. Polluted skies and the mixed smells of curry and sewage contributed to the chaos: bells jangling, lots of ‘tooting’, screeching of brakes and of course, the babble of human voices! ‘We love noise … we love to toot the horn here’ our driver cheerfully assured us – stating the obvious. There is little by way of restful country-side to feast one’s eyes upon as almost all space is occupied in some form with a mish-mash of houses, shops, markets, palaces and acres of squalid slums tumbled together as one. Here too, was row upon row of assorted street signs in faded colours, silken saris of ruby, emerald, sapphire, turquoise and gold and, by contrast, the drab rags of the poor. As might also be expected, there’s lots of heat and dust. Hotel accommodation for Westerners is luxurious to say the least, and we were too well looked after, an unfortunate truth highlighting the extremes of poverty just nearby.

Queueing for entry to the Taj is a slow process though our group on that occasion was relatively fortunate in that we had pre-booked tickets. But we still had to be screened at the security check – women in one line, men in another, and meanwhile one had to contend with the reality of not giving to the many beggars that plead, some badly disfigured, with large, sad eyes for some kind of respite from their misery. I find this predicament difficult to accept; that we visitors can be enjoying comfort and be permitted to approach such a place of splendour amid masses of degraded humanity. And yet a kind of peacefulness is apparent. The people are either jolly or pathetically sad, emanating a kind of acceptance (or is it resignation?) to their circumstances.

And so as you can see, we gained entry to this marvel of human craftsmanship. This is a scene of world heritage status, a building of amazing architectural achievement that sits serenely against a mystical and misty sky. Commissioned in 1633 by the Emperor Shah Jahan in memory of his special wife, Mumtaz Mahal who died at age 39 after the birth of their fourteenth child, the Taj is perhaps the finest example of Mughal architecture. Glistening white and structured from pure marble cool to the touch, this beauty is adorned with messages of love. Countless carvings of calligraphy, abstracts and floral designs formed from precious and semi-precious stones are inlaid upon this monument to passion, loss and grief that took 22 years to build. What a tribute to dedication! And yet, how sad.

Lingering for a while in the gardens that surround the Taj Mahal I indulged in one of my reflective moments, pondering life; the diversity of people and culture, joy and pain, love and fear. Anxiety came to my mind and how it suffocates and thwarts so much life experience.

How necessary it was for me to find the right kind of mental rest so that calmness and strength could replace fear. And how, from that calmness and strength I was able to set about developing my-self, gradually regaining personal enjoyment and participation in life, no matter how, where, what or why.

In those moments I was reminded too, that all wonderful outcomes in life take some level of time to accomplish and that the determination to meet one’s desire or goal is of the utmost importance. So I would encourage all anxiety sufferers to continue your search for relief. May you become truly calm and begin to step forward with confidence on the road you desire – especially the one that leads you to your true self. Believe me, there are many surprises to discover once we go beyond the obstacle of fear. And lasting freedom really is possible.

By Pauline McKinnon - September 2008

To contact Pauline,
please telephone 9817 2933
or visit her website: www.lifedevelopmentcentre.com.au