My name is Theodore I am 51 years of age and my agoraphobia began quite suddenly and unexpectedly in 1998 when I was 42. To the best of my knowledge my condition was triggered during a bitter and long drawn out divorce with my former wife, during which time she would continually deny me access and visitation rights with my daughters, despite me having obtained court orders from the Family Court.
I clearly remember when my first BIG panic attack occurred. It was 1998 and I was walking down Glenhuntly Road in Elsternwick when I had a massive anxiety/panic attack and collapsed in the street. This attack was triggered by another refusal by my former wife to allow me to see my daughters. These events left me anxious, highly stressed and very fearful as at the time I was frightened that I may never see my daughters again. May I add these events have since had a traumatic and negative impact on my beautiful daughters today, which is very sad for two beautiful children to have been innocently caught up in adult issues which should never have concerned them.
Within a matter of minutes after I collapsed an ambulance was called by a shopkeeper. When the paramedics arrived and examined me, they realized that I had ‘only’ suffered a panic attack and that my condition was not life threatening. They promptly left as there was nothing more that they could do. As they were leaving I clearly recall how frightened and vulnerable and helpless I felt. I also recall that when I asked the paramedics as to “What should I do?” they suggested that I book myself into a private hospital such as the Albert Road Clinic, and in the meantime to get myself onto some form of medication such as “Valium” to avoid a repeat of this incident.
Unfortunately at that time I didn’t have any private health insurance or any money to be able to afford the $500 per day plus for a private hospital!
Since that major panic attack in 1998, my life had been miserable, extremely frustrating, very traumatic and extremely limited by agoraphobia. There is great sadness when one is unable to enjoy the normal things in life. In fact my entire pre-occupation from 1998 until 2005 had been to centre all my attention of every minute of every day in total avoidance of becoming stressed and/or suffering another panic attack. You could say that I lived in complete fear all those years, and without any hope of ever getting better and resuming a normal life – such as the happy and successful career and life that I had previously known as an award winning Financial Planner with AMP.
Up until early 2005 when I was first introduced to Pauline McKinnon and “Stillness Meditation”, I had not been to the outskirts of Melbourne for 8 years. In fact all my living during the 1998 to 2005 period was spent exclusively on map 58 of the Melway Street Directory! I very seldom journeyed beyond 5 kilometres from my place of residence in Malvern.
In 2004 after an amazing and quite uncanny sequence of events, I literally stumbled across an old copy of Pauline McKinnon’s highly inspirational book “In Stillness Conquer Fear”. A good friend of mine who is a psych nurse had a first edition copy. The irony here is that my friend did know that I suffered from depression, but I had never told him that I also suffered from agoraphobia, because of my embarrassment about the condition. After reading Pauline’s book through two or three times, I found the courage to ring her office early in 2005, and to book myself an appointment with her. I have to say that making that appointment to get to Kew was not an easy task for me. In fact I didn’t show up the first time to the appointment because I had gotten anxious in Hawthorn on the way, and I turned the car around and went back home, feeling very scared and panicky.
After getting over the embarrassment of my first failed attempt to get to Pauline’s office, I finally made it there on my second attempt. I can still clearly recall how uptight and frightened I was when I got there. In fact I was literally shaking during that first consultation. I also recall how calm, understanding and reassuring Pauline was, and after we finished talking she took me into the meditation room for a short introduction to “Stillness Meditation”.
Although I didn’t get the full effect of the meditation on my first attempt that day due to my highly stressful state, I did however feel some calmness during the demonstration. One thing I do know about gaining any worthwhile knowledge about a particular subject, and that is one must seek out a person that has actually “Walked their Talk” and therefore personally experienced that which you are seeking to learn for yourself.
Throughout the first weeks of my meditation course with Pauline I was frightened and stressed at the beginning of most of those sessions, due mainly to my fear of being so far away from home. However, after the first few weeks I found that I was able to let go and relax more and more, and I was becoming calmer and therefore gradually experiencing the full effect of this wonderful activity.
My first test or journey following my introduction to “Stillness Meditation” took place some ten weeks after I commenced Pauline’s classes, when I was called upon by a friend to take them to the airport. Normally I would have instantly refused a request like this without even thinking twice about it. I had not been to Melbourne Airport for eight years prior to 2005, and I don’t need to tell you how frightened I was about the prospect of being stuck on a freeway without any escape routes and a long way from home.
To cut a long story short I decided to undertake the journey to the airport, and I can clearly recall that during the first five minutes on the freeway I was uneasy and quite scared. Strangely, though, I was not as scared or frightened as I would have been before practicing Stillness Meditation. After those first few nervous minutes I started to relax and in fact could quite clearly feel the calmness of stillness actually “kick in”, and quite comfortably made it to the airport and actually enjoyed the drive after all.
Aside from agoraphobia, I also suffered from depression during those seven years, and as a result I had become a bit of a recluse during that time. Since that first journey away from my comfort zone, I have acquired a very busy 100 seat restaurant, and have begun mixing with and being around people once again on a daily basis. Even though the restaurant is very hard work, it has also been a major help in my recovery in that I have learnt to live with and work quite freely at a high level of stress again. As a result both my body and my mind have adjusted to cope better with stress and anxiety. Along with those positive changes I have been blessed to have met a wonderful partner in Anne from Mornington and I have now moved down to the Peninsula to live with her.
At times, journeying there was not always easy, but when one is in love and has a powerful enough goal or desire to do something, it is amazing how one finds the strength and persistence to succeed – and therefore, to reclaim one’s life! If there is one thing I would recommend to anyone who wishes to beat agoraphobia, and that would be to make sure you have some persistence, because persistence basically means “to hold onto your goal through thick and thin, and not let go of whatever you really want”. Having said that, what we DO need to let go of is FEAR. Because the more we let it go, the more fear fades away as success grows from success.
To summarize my story, my physical capacity to move more freely further away from home has returned to me but more importantly my attitude and confidence are the best they have been for nine years. Like Pauline I too have suddenly awoken from what seemed like an endless sleep, and I have now begun to enjoy each minute of every day once again in a most positive “good to be alive way”.
Success in any worthwhile endeavor or venture is an ongoing journey, and not a destination, because as human beings our spirit is always searching for “expansion and self-expression”. In my opinion the only way to satisfy our soul is to constantly have a good reason for getting out of bed every day! And by good reason I don’t mean to get up only to look after others (for example, the duties and responsibilities relating to the care of children). What I mean is for one to get out of bed with a desire of accomplishing something worthwhile for themselves, because this sort of achievement no matter how small it may seem, will make you FEEL a lot better about YOURSELF.
Thank you for everything Pauline. There is so much more for me to do and I hope that maybe in the future I too may be able to give other sufferers hope and inspiration just as you have given me.
By Theodore
Pauline McKinnon’s details:
The Pauline McKinnon Stillness Meditation Centre
P.O. Box 151
KEW EAST Victoria 3102 Australia
Phone: (03) 9817 2933
