My Social Anxiety - Personal Story

I need to go shopping. There is no food for the kids. I cannot wait for my husband to go shopping on his way home from work. They need lunch, why can I not just jump in the car and go to the shops? I know I will throw them in the car and go through a drive through, that way I am in and out and home again in no time. How long can I keep this up, is it laziness or is there something else going on? I go to work everyday, I smile, my customer service is at an optimum, so why is it the moment I step out those big double doors, I remove a mask and go back into hiding. My mask is the facade that there is nothing going on here, I am fine, I portray my confidence, people seem to like me, so why is it that judgment is crippling me? Oh my god, look what she is wearing, oh no her hair is a mess, she has stuff on her face, her shoes don’t match her skirt, these are all the things that my head fills with every time I walk out of my house without my mask…

With a simple trip to the local shopping centre I would feel stiff, anxious and fearful that everyone is laughing at me. My heart races, I can’t concentrate, my eyes flicker around to see who is looking at me. All this before I go through the checkout and endure what the young lady is going to ask me. My mind is on overload, get the job done and get home. I was living in a world made up of my own thoughts and judgments. Who needs to worry about others negative thoughts, when I was already doing it for them? Enough was enough. I needed to change how I could provide a wonderful life for my children if I was unwilling to let them explore it. Our weekends were usually spent in the house or garden, never venturing out further than my sister’s house.

I needed to change. I was ready to embark on one of the most powerful and amazing journeys of my life, exploring myself deeper than ever before. Learning to meditate was the first step. Sitting with myself long enough to let the negative thoughts ease gave me the permission to just relax. The next step was therapy. Therapy was the scariest experience, releasing years of built up sadness and anger, and I choose to do all this in a group with forty eyes piercing judgment at me. I shed tears, I learnt to laugh again, and began to trust not only others but in myself. Overtime, I learnt that the only person that was judging me was me, that only person that didn’t like me, was me, and the only person that didn’t like the way I looked, was me.

It was in an exercise where I had to place a scary mask on (you know the kind the rubbery latex dress up masks like out of scary movie or Freddie Kruger), where it all hit me like a ten foot wave. As I stood in front of the mirror looking at the person before me, all I could see was me, not the scary mask but the person that I had become. My chest became heavy, tears streamed down my cheeks and fear engulfed me. That scary monster that was reflecting back at me was the person I feared more than anything…ME. I pulled the mask off gulping for air. It had all become very clear. How did I get to this point, why did I hate myself so much?

Step by step with help from a therapist, I began to look deeper inside myself to find a beautiful, powerful woman. Years of built up self judgment began to melt away. When I look in a mirror now I see small wrinkles beginning to form, an overweight body needing attention, but more than that, I see a woman living her life, exploring every inch of herself and the world around her. I still have bad days where judgment seeps through, but I now have the tools to push it away. I see my children’s eyes swollen with pride as they see the difference. I have opened up a whole new world for all of us. Life is so hard at the best of times and I know that the phrase “it is easier said than done” better than anyone, but if I had not taken the first step and reached out for help, I would still be forced to live in a world that was not much fun.

Social anxiety is the fear of social situations and the interaction with other people that can automatically bring on feelings of self-consciousness, judgment, evaluation, and criticism. Social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, humiliation and depression.

Don’t listen to anyone that says "face your fears and they’ll go away". Sorry, but they don’t understand the dynamics of social anxiety. Getting over social anxiety disorder is not an easy task. Cognitive-behavioural therapy and meditation is a good start for treatment of social anxiety. This will support you in understanding and gaining awareness of your problem. Take a deep breath and take one step at a time.

By Georgette (ACAP Placement Student)