Firstly, I would like to point out that my story is not an answer to depression, it’s simply a story that I hope can give peace to someone else that may be going through anxiety and depression. To read about someone else’s story gives you some insight, guidance and comfort that you are really not the only one feeling like this.
I was a happy, smart, and motivated teenager. I finished VCE and went onto Uni. My anxiety began 2 months into uni, I was 19. I remember exactly what I was doing when I felt my first panic attack. It was just a normal Saturday night at home with my family and we had just ordered fish and chips. We began eating and after about five minutes I started to feel panicky and dizzy. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me but I knew that this feeling was not something I had experienced before, and as time went on I became more and more scared. I went into the lounge room and curled up into a ball on the couch. My mum came and sat beside me and said are you feeling ok? I just burst into tears for no apparent reason. My head started spinning, I was sweating profusely at the palm of my hands, my legs went to jelly and my stomach felt horrible. Most importantly I couldn’t think straight and my heart started beating uncontrollably. Not knowing what my diagnosis was at this point, my only thought was that I was dying. The thoughts going through my head were – “I’m too young to die”, “I don’t deserve this”, “I haven’t done all the things I wanted to do in life”, “what will my family do without me”. It turns out, this was the first of my panic attack episodes. I spent the next couple of weeks home, constantly crying and sleeping on the couch all day long. I needed to have my mother by my side otherwise it would get worse. I still didn’t know what was wrong with me at this point. I remember one particular week I visited the doctor every day – five days in a row. I first saw my doctor and told him that i didn’t understand what was wrong with me, i felt i needed to see a doctor but couldn’t really describe what the issue was. After I explained the symptoms of the last couple of weeks, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder.
Living with depression is, very very hard. Living with depression affects your every day routines and most importantly relationships with loved ones. Being with a partner and getting them to understand depression was a battle for me. A long battle which would play on my mind each minute, losing faith and doubting myself. Will I be a good enough wife, mother, daughter, friend, lover, friend? Will I suffer depression when I’m older? Will I fall into that spout of depression where I cry uncontrollably and cannot understand why I’m unhappy? Will I have thoughts of suicide, will I have panic attacks? Who will help me? My mum and sister won’t be around for me forever. Who will understand and be able to help me through panic attacks, times of being so low that my body becomes irritable and my mind races a million miles per hour. But I will say that reading other people’s stories, finding a tiny bit of inner peace and reading up on symptoms, side effects and just to know that there are millions of other people in the same situation has given me something that makes me get up each morning and have that bit in me to keep going. Bottom line is I have achieved good things and I know that one day my strength will overcome this inner feeling I hold each day.
In conclusion, nobody should live in fear and anxiety. We have choices in life and we have choice in most things we come across. It’s how we take situations is what defines our path. We can choose to crumble or we can choose to stand strong and fight our problems. Some days are easier than others, but just remember you are not alone.
By Daniela – December 2008
I was a happy, smart, and motivated teenager. I finished VCE and went onto Uni. My anxiety began 2 months into uni, I was 19. I remember exactly what I was doing when I felt my first panic attack. It was just a normal Saturday night at home with my family and we had just ordered fish and chips. We began eating and after about five minutes I started to feel panicky and dizzy. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me but I knew that this feeling was not something I had experienced before, and as time went on I became more and more scared. I went into the lounge room and curled up into a ball on the couch. My mum came and sat beside me and said are you feeling ok? I just burst into tears for no apparent reason. My head started spinning, I was sweating profusely at the palm of my hands, my legs went to jelly and my stomach felt horrible. Most importantly I couldn’t think straight and my heart started beating uncontrollably. Not knowing what my diagnosis was at this point, my only thought was that I was dying. The thoughts going through my head were – “I’m too young to die”, “I don’t deserve this”, “I haven’t done all the things I wanted to do in life”, “what will my family do without me”. It turns out, this was the first of my panic attack episodes. I spent the next couple of weeks home, constantly crying and sleeping on the couch all day long. I needed to have my mother by my side otherwise it would get worse. I still didn’t know what was wrong with me at this point. I remember one particular week I visited the doctor every day – five days in a row. I first saw my doctor and told him that i didn’t understand what was wrong with me, i felt i needed to see a doctor but couldn’t really describe what the issue was. After I explained the symptoms of the last couple of weeks, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder.
Living with depression is, very very hard. Living with depression affects your every day routines and most importantly relationships with loved ones. Being with a partner and getting them to understand depression was a battle for me. A long battle which would play on my mind each minute, losing faith and doubting myself. Will I be a good enough wife, mother, daughter, friend, lover, friend? Will I suffer depression when I’m older? Will I fall into that spout of depression where I cry uncontrollably and cannot understand why I’m unhappy? Will I have thoughts of suicide, will I have panic attacks? Who will help me? My mum and sister won’t be around for me forever. Who will understand and be able to help me through panic attacks, times of being so low that my body becomes irritable and my mind races a million miles per hour. But I will say that reading other people’s stories, finding a tiny bit of inner peace and reading up on symptoms, side effects and just to know that there are millions of other people in the same situation has given me something that makes me get up each morning and have that bit in me to keep going. Bottom line is I have achieved good things and I know that one day my strength will overcome this inner feeling I hold each day.
In conclusion, nobody should live in fear and anxiety. We have choices in life and we have choice in most things we come across. It’s how we take situations is what defines our path. We can choose to crumble or we can choose to stand strong and fight our problems. Some days are easier than others, but just remember you are not alone.
By Daniela – December 2008
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