Did I ever imagine – when anxiety was a constant presence in my life that one day travel would become desirable, exciting and definitely something to enjoy? In those oppressive anxious years, getting to the letter-box, and then the local shop and then the kids’ primary school were the progressive steps I was able to take without extreme discomfort. Even with my sense of security enhanced by the presence of my supportive husband, those travelling tasks – and a whole lot of other ‘normal’ comings and goings too, were virtually impossible. I remember only too well my struggle to visit a shopping complex in my own city – and how detached I felt from everything around me. With a sense of unreality, intense discomfort and recurring anxiety symptoms, how can one enjoy the moment in any environment? So at that time, the mere thought of a visit to the jewel of India would not have entered my emotional horizons.
This year, 2008, I am celebrating the 25th anniversary of the first edition of my recovery story, In Stillness Conquer Fear and an incidental part of that celebration involved a memorable trip to a number of exotic places one of the highlights of which was just that – an experience of the Taj Mahal.
Over the past 25 years I have travelled quite extensively to many places, and to some parts of the world that are unusual, remote and difficult to reach. But I have never done so without the profound awareness of my earlier life limitations because of anxiety. And sometimes, in reflective moments away from home, I find myself in awe of my surroundings, not merely because of the foreign nature of those surroundings but because of the simple pleasure of feeling at ease and fully engaged in the experience.
India was a good example of this. This land of meditation and magic is not necessarily a tranquil place. Delhi alone has a population of more than 17 million people and these numbers were evident as we travelled in a less than comfortable bus to the city of Agra, where the monument stands. This journey of 200 km took 5 hours to complete! Far from being a freeway such as we know here, this was a pot-holed road filled with congested traffic of all kinds, each negotiating the other. Some vehicles were four wheeled but many were four legged or two legged including donkeys, camels, elephants or children crossing at any random place. Polluted skies and the mixed smells of curry and sewage contributed to the chaos: bells jangling, lots of ‘tooting’, screeching of brakes and of course, the babble of human voices! ‘We love noise … we love to toot the horn here’ our driver cheerfully assured us – stating the obvious. There is little by way of restful country-side to feast one’s eyes upon as almost all space is occupied in some form with a mish-mash of houses, shops, markets, palaces and acres of squalid slums tumbled together as one. Here too, was row upon row of assorted street signs in faded colours, silken saris of ruby, emerald, sapphire, turquoise and gold and, by contrast, the drab rags of the poor. As might also be expected, there’s lots of heat and dust. Hotel accommodation for Westerners is luxurious to say the least, and we were too well looked after, an unfortunate truth highlighting the extremes of poverty just nearby.
Queueing for entry to the Taj is a slow process though our group on that occasion was relatively fortunate in that we had pre-booked tickets. But we still had to be screened at the security check – women in one line, men in another, and meanwhile one had to contend with the reality of not giving to the many beggars that plead, some badly disfigured, with large, sad eyes for some kind of respite from their misery. I find this predicament difficult to accept; that we visitors can be enjoying comfort and be permitted to approach such a place of splendour amid masses of degraded humanity. And yet a kind of peacefulness is apparent. The people are either jolly or pathetically sad, emanating a kind of acceptance (or is it resignation?) to their circumstances.
And so as you can see, we gained entry to this marvel of human craftsmanship. This is a scene of world heritage status, a building of amazing architectural achievement that sits serenely against a mystical and misty sky. Commissioned in 1633 by the Emperor Shah Jahan in memory of his special wife, Mumtaz Mahal who died at age 39 after the birth of their fourteenth child, the Taj is perhaps the finest example of Mughal architecture. Glistening white and structured from pure marble cool to the touch, this beauty is adorned with messages of love. Countless carvings of calligraphy, abstracts and floral designs formed from precious and semi-precious stones are inlaid upon this monument to passion, loss and grief that took 22 years to build. What a tribute to dedication! And yet, how sad.
Lingering for a while in the gardens that surround the Taj Mahal I indulged in one of my reflective moments, pondering life; the diversity of people and culture, joy and pain, love and fear. Anxiety came to my mind and how it suffocates and thwarts so much life experience.
How necessary it was for me to find the right kind of mental rest so that calmness and strength could replace fear. And how, from that calmness and strength I was able to set about developing my-self, gradually regaining personal enjoyment and participation in life, no matter how, where, what or why.
In those moments I was reminded too, that all wonderful outcomes in life take some level of time to accomplish and that the determination to meet one’s desire or goal is of the utmost importance. So I would encourage all anxiety sufferers to continue your search for relief. May you become truly calm and begin to step forward with confidence on the road you desire – especially the one that leads you to your true self. Believe me, there are many surprises to discover once we go beyond the obstacle of fear. And lasting freedom really is possible.
By Pauline McKinnon - September 2008
To contact Pauline,
please telephone 9817 2933
or visit her website: www.lifedevelopmentcentre.com.au
This year, 2008, I am celebrating the 25th anniversary of the first edition of my recovery story, In Stillness Conquer Fear and an incidental part of that celebration involved a memorable trip to a number of exotic places one of the highlights of which was just that – an experience of the Taj Mahal.
Over the past 25 years I have travelled quite extensively to many places, and to some parts of the world that are unusual, remote and difficult to reach. But I have never done so without the profound awareness of my earlier life limitations because of anxiety. And sometimes, in reflective moments away from home, I find myself in awe of my surroundings, not merely because of the foreign nature of those surroundings but because of the simple pleasure of feeling at ease and fully engaged in the experience.
India was a good example of this. This land of meditation and magic is not necessarily a tranquil place. Delhi alone has a population of more than 17 million people and these numbers were evident as we travelled in a less than comfortable bus to the city of Agra, where the monument stands. This journey of 200 km took 5 hours to complete! Far from being a freeway such as we know here, this was a pot-holed road filled with congested traffic of all kinds, each negotiating the other. Some vehicles were four wheeled but many were four legged or two legged including donkeys, camels, elephants or children crossing at any random place. Polluted skies and the mixed smells of curry and sewage contributed to the chaos: bells jangling, lots of ‘tooting’, screeching of brakes and of course, the babble of human voices! ‘We love noise … we love to toot the horn here’ our driver cheerfully assured us – stating the obvious. There is little by way of restful country-side to feast one’s eyes upon as almost all space is occupied in some form with a mish-mash of houses, shops, markets, palaces and acres of squalid slums tumbled together as one. Here too, was row upon row of assorted street signs in faded colours, silken saris of ruby, emerald, sapphire, turquoise and gold and, by contrast, the drab rags of the poor. As might also be expected, there’s lots of heat and dust. Hotel accommodation for Westerners is luxurious to say the least, and we were too well looked after, an unfortunate truth highlighting the extremes of poverty just nearby.
Queueing for entry to the Taj is a slow process though our group on that occasion was relatively fortunate in that we had pre-booked tickets. But we still had to be screened at the security check – women in one line, men in another, and meanwhile one had to contend with the reality of not giving to the many beggars that plead, some badly disfigured, with large, sad eyes for some kind of respite from their misery. I find this predicament difficult to accept; that we visitors can be enjoying comfort and be permitted to approach such a place of splendour amid masses of degraded humanity. And yet a kind of peacefulness is apparent. The people are either jolly or pathetically sad, emanating a kind of acceptance (or is it resignation?) to their circumstances.
And so as you can see, we gained entry to this marvel of human craftsmanship. This is a scene of world heritage status, a building of amazing architectural achievement that sits serenely against a mystical and misty sky. Commissioned in 1633 by the Emperor Shah Jahan in memory of his special wife, Mumtaz Mahal who died at age 39 after the birth of their fourteenth child, the Taj is perhaps the finest example of Mughal architecture. Glistening white and structured from pure marble cool to the touch, this beauty is adorned with messages of love. Countless carvings of calligraphy, abstracts and floral designs formed from precious and semi-precious stones are inlaid upon this monument to passion, loss and grief that took 22 years to build. What a tribute to dedication! And yet, how sad.
Lingering for a while in the gardens that surround the Taj Mahal I indulged in one of my reflective moments, pondering life; the diversity of people and culture, joy and pain, love and fear. Anxiety came to my mind and how it suffocates and thwarts so much life experience.
How necessary it was for me to find the right kind of mental rest so that calmness and strength could replace fear. And how, from that calmness and strength I was able to set about developing my-self, gradually regaining personal enjoyment and participation in life, no matter how, where, what or why.
In those moments I was reminded too, that all wonderful outcomes in life take some level of time to accomplish and that the determination to meet one’s desire or goal is of the utmost importance. So I would encourage all anxiety sufferers to continue your search for relief. May you become truly calm and begin to step forward with confidence on the road you desire – especially the one that leads you to your true self. Believe me, there are many surprises to discover once we go beyond the obstacle of fear. And lasting freedom really is possible.
By Pauline McKinnon - September 2008
To contact Pauline,
please telephone 9817 2933
or visit her website: www.lifedevelopmentcentre.com.au
